I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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