We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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