I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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