I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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