i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
