cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
