I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
