Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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