Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
