Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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