She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
