New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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