She said her name was "party"
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
