Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
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French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
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