Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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