worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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