I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
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Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
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She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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