Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
