I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
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The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
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I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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