Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
