Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
