Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
