She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
