i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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