I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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