took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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