No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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