I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
