I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
