When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
