tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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