It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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