Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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