he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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