Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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