Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
