Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
