She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
