Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize