he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
