woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
