I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
