I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
