i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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