I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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