They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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