I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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