I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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