i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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