Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
