I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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