I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Bring me that man meat
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
