if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
