You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
