when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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