The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
